Rant.
Don't mind.
No amount of pills I stuff into my throat can fix the immense pain of the cosmic questions and burdens me so.I want to embody numbness.
I have such twisted sense of reality. I have to-- how else would I explain this: I'm in a relationship which i think I will fuck out at some point. I have put everything I have into it.But I get bored, lost and confused.Discontented. Emotionally and mentally unstable.
Latent insanityI chose to live, my self destruction is a safety blanket. It's comfortable and predictable. It feels safe-- like coming home.
I know the outcome and more often than not the limits. It will leave scars I am not ashamed of and burnt bridges I've not cared to mend.I have to chose to be happy. I chose to fight and let go.
However I'm getting married in 2011 to a man who refuses to let me fade away. He is as damaged. But he is beautiful. Somewhat an angel. At times i just want to say "I love you, get over it". But I have to be strong. And I am angry at myself for constantly crumbling down the ropes of emotions. Although at times consciously not directed at myself.I still feel the pull everyday. The nagging voice. The need to get out. A sick freedom that only collects bruises and costs everything. I doubt the voice will ever go away.
Within a week, I have to decide between morality and manipulation. Selflessness or twisted freedom.
At this point of my life, I'm dealing with a lot of responsibility;I'm separating myself from the ridiculousness of my thoughts; I'm in charge of managing my own mental health and health in general; I need to start acknowledging myself for what I am: an adult. I may still be goofing around, playing tricks and kicking asses, but I'm still an adult--albiet at one point of the journey.
haaa~ I feel better now.
PS : Redbull and Ciggies don't go well together.
